Longing for...

As the new year starts, it brings with it change. It is amazing the emotion that one word can incite. For me it typically brings a flurry of excitement, fear, anticipation, expectation, and invariably a little stress. (Okay, so maybe it brings lots of stress.). As 2010 ended in a flurry and the first month of 2011 is nearly past, I began to feel a longing for something else. For a chance to slow down, to take better care of my husband and my home. For a chance to spend more time where my heart used to be: at the feet of Jesus first and in the arms of my husband second.

The more time I spend at work and at school the more I find that my heart is at home, where I want to be. I know so often as women saying that, "I'd rather be at home," is met with scoffing and insults from both our peers and our male counter parts. I know some even struggle with a husband who doesn't quite understand their desire to be at home, to be the one their children spend most of their waking hours with. This both breaks my heart and makes me want to give voice to the desires inside it more than ever. I want to be at home taking care of my husband and our home. I want a house full of children. I want to stay home with our children, maybe even home school them. I want to learn to be the very best, most godly wife and mother I can be.

To those who know me (or have been monitoring my Facebook and Twitter), you know I recently plunged forward, going back to school to finish my associates degree at Grace and working on college plans as a Pre-Med major for next year. You're probably asking, "How do your desires mesh with your goals for your future?" My answer right now is that I still don't know, but I know the One who does and I trust him.

My dear friend Jill who passed away last year introduced me to Psalm 37:4:

"Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart"(NASB).

At first glance we so often jump to the second half of the verse where God gives us what we desire. If we do this we completely miss out on the first half; the command: to delight ourselves in the Lord. To delight literally means to find pleasure, joy, rapture in what we are beholding. If we are delighting in the Lord would our desires not come to reflect His? And as our desires reflect His, would He not grant us what our heart desires in Him? As we continue to lay our desires before Him and allow Him to shape our hearts, what we wants will begin to reflect what He wants for us. And that is what I want, more than anything. I want my desires to reflect God's, I want my heart to reflect His, and I want to be able to share Him with others simply by sharing life with them.

So what I'm longing for most this year is what I have longed for for much of my life. This year promises a myriad of changes for our little family of two. Changes in where we work, go to school, where we live, and maybe even a baby :-). But regardless of where this next year takes us, as it comes to a close and 2012 starts I pray that I will have spent much of this year learning to delight myself in the Lord more fully than ever. Living each day ever more aware that I am living in the presence of a Holy God who holds the world in the palm of His hand, and who by his grace alone declares me righteous and allows me to approach Him.
Just as I Am, Without One Plea
By: Charlotte Elliott

Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.