Called to Have it all Together?

This past week, I had the privilege of going to a concert with a couple of other ladies from our church.  The Lord used each artist to refresh my soul in a way that only music does.  It was a joy to listen to Jenny & Tyler, Bebo Norman, and Sara Groves.

Now, nearly a week later, what is bouncing around my head is not the lyrics to an amazing song.  It is something Sara Groves said when introducing her song "Obsolete".  She was sharing about a couple of her twenty-something friends (exactly my age group) came to her feeling very discouraged.  They'd been reading blogs of other woman and comparing themselves to the standard set forth by the image projected there.  Now I don't know about you, but often when I read a blog I do the exact same thing.  I see another mom or wife talking sharing something(s) they're doing well and immediately feel guilty for not being as awesome at _________. (You fill in the blank.)  I suddenly feel like I'm less for not having "it" all together.  As Sara Groves continued she said she had to remind them (and by sharing reminded me) that what others put forth online is not necessarily the whole story.  When someone chooses what they're going to share online, they often share what will portray them in the best possible light.  You don't see all the underpinnings of there life, and they most certainly don't see those places in you that suddenly feel all too exposed.

Now, as this all flowed in and out of my mind these past few days, I also returned to the following question.  Are we called to have it all together?  As I pondered this the first verse to come to mind was:

"But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."-2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV  

So often, I get so hung up on my weaknesses that I forget that God's grace is sufficient.  That, while I should seek to grow in those areas, God will receive the glory for any success, because those successes are by his grace alone.  And for me it's more and more like the line from the hymn: 

 "In my life Lord, be glorified, be glorified today."

I am reminded more and more that God is glorified in the every day things, the unglamorous things, the mundane things, and sometimes the things the world values least.  My life is to be about living according to his word, by his grace, and for his glory.

So this week, when you're cruising your favorite blog, remember:  you're not called to have it all together, you're called to follow hard after the Lord.

For His Glory,

Courtney

Quick Fix Friday: Slow cooker pulled pork

As I was deciding what recipe to share with you this week, I realized that I keep giving you slow cooker recipes!  After this week, I'll try to shake things up a little and give you some fast, family friendly meals that don't involve a slow cooker.

This week, I'm sharing with you a very simple slow cooker recipe for pulled pork that my dear friend Christie shared with me.  As I write this, this recipe is simmering away in my kitchen, filling the house with the scent of cooking pork.  This recipe is so easy and sooooooooooooo tasty :-)  Enjoy!

Slow cooker pulled pork

Ingredients:

2 lbs pork loin/roast(thawed)
1 12 oz can of root beer
1 16 oz bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce
1 package of 8 hamburger buns

First, take your thawed pork and place it in the slow cooker.  Then pour the root beer over the pork and place the lid on your slow cooker.  Allow this to cook on low for 6-7 hours.  Once the meat is cooked through, drain off any remaining root beer.  Shred the pork using two forks.  Then add the bottle of barbecue sauce and mix thoroughly.  Serve on hamburger buns :-)



For His Glory,

Courtney

What you're doing is ministry...

This past week, my husband and I had the privilege to attend a pastors and leaders conference.  It was a powerful time spent in the Bible and in prayer, a time to fellowship with those who are like-minded and our family in Christ.  I have come away feeling so refreshed and encouraged.  Several ladies took time to talk with, encourage, and pray with me specifically.  The Lord used them to speak His truth into my life and my heart.  It has so encouraged me, I wanted to share with you in case you are in need of encouragement as well.

1.  If your husband is called, then so are you.

I have no doubt whatsoever that my husband needs to be doing ministry.  Sometimes I doubt absolutely that I'm qualified to hold the title "pastor's wife".  That title carries different expectations for different people and I've always struggled with wanting to please people.  I am learning more and more (and was encouraged to) remember that ministry in the church comes after my ministry in my home.  I need to be faithful to live the word out as well as teach it.  Yes, I do need to be faithful to give God's word out, but that starts at home with my husband and my children.

2.  Loving your husband and child(ren) is ministry.

In a society that diminishes that which is done at home, it is so easy to become discouraged.  I have found my self in that unlovely place of feeling like I am "just" a stay at home wife and mom, like what I'm doing is not enough.  My own mother has in encouraged me in the past and several ladies at the conference encouraged me as well in true Titus 2 fashion!  In a world full of hurting people and largely void of true love, allowing people to see my love for my husband and son is a silent witness for the gospel.  A huge part of my ministry is to love my husband and my son!

^"3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, ⁴ so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵  to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."-Titus 2:3-5 NASB

3. Do not grow weary in well doing!

Any one in ministry will tell you there was some point where they felt discouraged.  They felt that maybe they should look for a new opportunity or that faithfully sharing the truth was just too hard or the hearts of the people too resistant or the finances too challenging, etc.  If we give up, the devil wins.  If we decide to stop ministering the gospel, it's one more victory for the evil one.  Several ladies shared with me the exhortation of Galatians 6:9

^"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."-Galatians 6:9 NKJV

Don't grow weary, don't lose heart!  Giving out the gospel is important and that starts with you ministry to your husband and children!  Be encouraged dear reader! I'm praying this would minister to your heart today!



For His Glory,



Courtney

 

Quick Fix Friday: Slow cooker chicken

This edition of Quick Fix Friday is going to be in a word, quick.  I love, love, love this recipe.  This is my very favorite recipe for chicken so far.  In fact, I may never cook a chicken on the oven ever again!  This chicken was moist, juicy, and literally falling off the bone.  I had zero trouble taking this chicken off of the bone, which is a pretty big deal considering it usually looks like I was trying to beat the chicken into submission while hacking it to bits (really, ask my husband) while failing miserably to separate meat from bone.  This recipe is like my chicken cooking BFF.  So, here it is:

Slow cooker chicken

1 whole 2-3lb chicken, thawed
Salt
Pepper
1Tbsp Garlic powder
2 Tbsp dried Parsley
Aluminum foil

First take aluminum foil and roll into 3 3-4 inch balls and place them in the bottom of your slow cooker.  Then take the thawed chicken and rinse it with cold water and pat dry with paper towels.  Place the now dry chicken inside the slow cooker on top of the aluminum foil balls.  Now season the chicken(to taste) inside and out with salt and pepper.  Finally sprinkle the garlic powder and dried parsley over the chicken and place the lid on your slow cooker.  Put the slow cooker on high for about one hour, then turn it down to low and let the chicken cook for 7-9 more hours until juices run clear.  Let cool a few minutes and enjoy :-)

For His Glory,

Courtney

So Blessed...

My heart is so full right now.  The Lord has so richly blessed me.  I have so much more than I ever could have asked for, so much more than I deserve.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me, who loves our son and is an amazing father, who cares enough to put God first, who has a deep passion for God's word and a great love for people.  I have a beautiful healthy son despite all that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy or just after his birth.  Every time I look into that precious face or hold him in my arms, I know I am holding a miracle. Most of all, though, I have a savior!  A savior named Jesus, who left heaven and came to earth as a man, who chose to suffer and die for all sin, who rose again on the third day, and who has forgiven my sins and allowed me to have a personal relationship with Him!

There are so many more things I could list.  I could give so many specific instances of God's goodness, mercy, grace, and love in my life.  Right now, my heart is so full I feel it could burst!  I just had to share with you how a small piece of how great my God is and how good He's been to me.  Yes, there are parts of my life that are hard, but I have so much more than I deserve.  I am a sinner and deserve no more than punishment and death, yet here I am.  I am alive, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a wonderful family, dear friends, a chance to minister to others, and most of all, I have a Savior!

I have to marvel at how great my God is, how much He's given me, how much He is teaching me through His word and in prayer!  I would encourage you, take a few minutes just to think about all He's done for you.  Remind yourself of His faithfulness.

And if you don't know Him, seek Him out.  Get a Bible and start reading the New Testament, find a Bible-believing church and get in touch with the pastor with your questions, or even leave me a comment.

For His Glory,

Courtney

Quick Fix Fridays: Mom's 4 Ingredient Chili

There are so many different schools of thought on what good chili is and isn't.  It varies from region to region and (as my husband and I have realized) from family to family.  While I enjoy my husband's favorite recipe, when I start to get hungry for chili this is what I'm hungry for.  I grew up with this recipe and I haven't tasted chili yet that can beat it.

You'll need:

1 Large can tomato puree
2 cans light red kidney beans
1 packet of your favorite chili seasoning
1 lb ground beef
1-5 quart soup pot

For this recipe I start by browning the ground beef (seasoning to taste)in the bottom of the pan.  If it is especially greasy or watery, drain the meat.  Next  I add the kidney beans, tomato puree, and chili seasoning and stir together.  I allow this to simmer on medium heat until it is heated through and the beans are tender.  I usually serve this with saltines and cheddar cheese, but it's also great with tortilla chips or for making chili dogs.

I love making this recipe! It's so fast and easy, plus it makes me feel a little less homesick when we haven't seen family in awhile.  If you want something a little more sophisticated this is also a great place to start.  You can add some onions while browning the hamburger, you can substitute ground turkey for ground beef, you can add about 1/2 a cup of your favorite salsa, etc.  The possibilities are endless.

For His Glory,

Courtney

Quick Fix Friday: Slow Cooker Beef Roast

If you're like me, you're looking for quick, easy recipes.  Starting this week I'm going to start sharing some of our go-to fast favorites.  For those of you who read my post earlier this week on Meal Planning  this is the same recipe I used this week to make the roast and carrots that was on our meal plan.  I love this recipe because I can put it in the slow cooker and forget about it and my husband loves the leftovers(since he is picky about leftovers this is a pretty big deal).

For this recipe you will need the following ingredients:

1-2 to 3 lb beef roast
2-envelopes of your favorite brown gravy mix
1-white onion, chopped
1-1 lb package of baby carrots
2-cloves of minced garlic
1-cup of water
salt
pepper

To make this recipe, I usually start the day before by getting the roast out of the freezer to thaw.  The next day I start by chopping up the onion.  I pour in the chopped onion and baby carrots in the bottom of the slow cooker and spread them out in an even layer.  Next I add the gravy mix, garlic, and water.  (The consistency and amount of gravy depends on how much water you use.  1 cup water=less, thicker gravy, 2 cups=more, broth-like gravy)  Then I place the roast on top of all this and season it with salt and pepper.  At this point it's time to put on the lid and start the cooking.  I turn my slow cooker on low and let it cook for 5 to 6 hours.

This meal is great on its own or with an extra side.  This week we ate ours with mashed potatoes. It is also tasty with some easy baking powder biscuits.  This hearty meal is a favorite in the wintertime, but I love it in the summer as well.  By using the slow cooker I don't have to heat up the house by using the oven. (This was extremely helpful since the temperature this week has ranged from 97 to 105 degrees) Hope you and your family enjoy this recipe as much as we do :-)

For His Glory,

Courtney

Using the Time I Have Part 1: Meal Planning

Right about now I'm feeling pretty good about the start of my latest adventure in meal planning.  I've made some failed attempts in the past, so I'm excited that I planned my 4th and 5th week of meals last weekend.  It takes time to do the planning, but it simplifies life so much that it's worth every minute.  I'm so excited to share my reasons for meal planning with you and to give you a look into what my process looks like when I write my meal plans.

Aside from the reasons listed in my post Using the Time I Have: an Intro, there are three reasons that I decided I needed to get serious about meal planning:

1. Meal planning will save us money.

I don't know about you, but for me grocery shopping without a list can be a little dangerous for our budget.  Grocery shopping without a list while hungry is even more so.   This kind of shopping ends up with a cart half full of what we need and filled up with impulse items we don't.   I discovered both of these to be very true both for myself and my husband so I started making a list before grocery shopping. 

It was a step in the right direction, but we often ran out of what we needed for meal and were constantly making little trips to the store to pick up things we had forgotten.  This caused our grocery bill to slowly creep higher and higher.  Another flaw in the way I was constructing my lists was that I wasn't "shopping" in my pantry and fridge before going to the store so I would pick up duplicates of things we already had.  Honestly, one reason I decided to start meal planning is that I recently discovered we had not two, not three, but FOUR bottles of soy sauce.  While we definitely use soy sauce, there was absolutely no reason for us to have four bottles.  I ended up intentionally tracking down recipes that included soy sauce just to try and use some of it up.  

2. Meal planning will save me time.

At first, even I was skeptical that this would come to be a reason, but after having the last month of meals planned, I can honestly say it is definitely true.  It typically takes me about 1-2 hours to sit down and put together a 2 week meal plan and grocery list.  After it's put together though, I don't have to stress about what I'm going to make, what meat needs thawed, and I can work prep time into whatever the plan for the day is.  No more is "what's for dinner?" the all dreaded question.  I know already and I don't have to scurry about looking for a recipe and digging for ingredients in the cupboard before I can give an answer.  I can plan quick meals on the nights we will need to rush out the door, and the more complex meals can be planned for evenings that are more relaxed.     

3. Meal planning will help me feed my family better.

Living on our own and then working opposite shifts for a large part of our marriage has left both my husband and I with some very unhealthy eating habits.  We both want to eat healthier, but in order for any changes to take place I have to be intentional .  The biggest one I've been working at recently is making more fruits and vegetables a part of our diet.  If not during meal, at least having them in the house for snacks.(I especially love to get apples, we love them and they keep in the refrigerator for a relatively long time compared to other fresh fruit.)  We've also been trying to eat fewer frozen/prepackaged meals.  I won't claim we never do or promise that we're going to become a whole foods only household, but less sodium is definitely a good idea since high blood pressure runs in both of our families.  

Okay, now that you have my reasons I'll give you a quick play by play of what meal planning looks like for me.

First, I take a quick glance in the pantry and freezer to get a general picture of what we still have.  Then I gather up my favorite cookbooks and pull up my favorite websites to find recipes(allrecipes.com, foodnetwork.com, etc.) to scour for recipes.  I especially love Allrecipes because it allows you to add recipes to your list and will automatically make a grocery list of your ingredients in their exact measurements for you.

Once I've found enough recipes that sound good and that include ingredients within our budget I begin writing out 2 weeks worth of dinners. I do this with our weekly schedule in mind.  For instance, on Wednesday nights we have prayer meeting so I usually do something quick, on Fridays we rarely have any commitments so I can plan something that I know takes a little longer or something new that I'm not sure how long it will take me to pull together for the first time.  I also put breakfast and lunch options on my meal plan, but these aren't quite as much for specific days as they are a reminder of what we have in the house to eat.

After getting the meals planned out I go through each day at a time and write down all the ingredients I will need only omitting things I'm absolutely sure we have on hand.  Once this is completed I go into our kitchen and "shop" in our pantry, fridge, and freezer.  Any items on the list that we already have or that I need to modify quantities on are marked off or edited. After finishing the grocery part I go around the house and look to find out what other items need to be added to the list as well.

This is what one of my finished meal plans looks like:

Sunday-Tacotot casserole
Monday-Roast with onions, carrots, and potatoes
Tuesday-Spaghetti with meat sauce, garlic toast, and corn
Wednesday- Hamburgers and sweet potato fries
Thursday-Baked chicken breasts and couscous
Friday-Maple apple chicken burgers and baked beans
Saturday-Chicken fajitas with chips and salsa

Breakfast/snack Options:
Instant Oatmeal
Cereal
Granola bars
Pop-tarts
Apples
Baby carrots

Lunch Options:
Leftovers
Ramen noodles
PBJ sandwiches
Soup
Pintos beans with cheese and white rice

Finally all that's left is shopping at the store.  Having such a detailed list has really helped us stay in budget and cut down on impulse buys.  The first shopping trip we took after I started meal planning we saved nearly $100!

While I usually plan two weeks at a time, realize you could do this weekly or monthly as well depending on how it will work best with your family.  Also, remember to be flexible.  Life happens and even our best plans need to be modified.  Sometimes days need to be shuffled around or something needs to get dropped so leftovers don't go to waste.  I hope this will be as helpful to you as it has been for me!  

For His Glory

Courtney

Using the time I have: An Intro

Any one who knows me very well will tell you, "Courtney is a procrastinator."  (My family, my college roommate, and my husband all know this very well) And I'll admit it, it's true.  For awhile I embraced it and found many reasons to explain it away.  I very often used the excuse that I was just busy, that I didn't have time until the last minute. I've come to realize that's just not true.  I have time, I just don't always use it wisely.  And while that realization came to me over a year ago, it hadn't really inspired much action.  (Sure I got organized enough to finish up my degree, but even that could have been done better.) Along with being a procrastinator, I'm not super organized and I fail consistently at time management.  These aren't my favorite qualities are some of my least favorite qualities about myself.  Becoming a mom and realizing that I really don't want my son to pick up my bad habits has been the kick in the pants I needed.

I've also been convicted that, even though I don't have a "boss" as a stay-at-home mom, I am commanded in God's word,

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men"                    -Colossians 3:23 NASB

I want to be an excellent wife and mother.  I want to serve my family well.  I need to begin to be a master of my time instead of allowing other things to master me.  This is going to be especially important, as I become more and more convinced that homeschooling our son and any other children the Lord blesses us with is going to be a big part of the future.  I know every season looks different, I know a large part of the current season is going to be planned around my son's needs, but most of all I know what God's word says.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9a NASB

While I'll continue to blog about other topics as well, I'm starting a journey that will help me use the time I have more wisely.  If you would like to follow me, I'll be posting at least 3 more parts to this series.  Coming up in Part 1:  Meal Planning.


For His Glory

Courtney

Paul's Birth Story

On Monday November 28, 2011, we went to our regularly scheduled perinatologist appointment.  At this appointment, the doctor checked our baby's growth as well as what had become the routine look at the fluid level and placenta.  After seeing that the baby had not grown significantly since the previous measurement, the fluid level had continued to decrease, my blood pressure had suddenly started to spike, and my placenta was still(for a reason still unknown even after a full pathology workup after our baby's birth) aging faster than it should have been, we all agreed that the best decision would be to go ahead and induce me.  My appointment had started at 9, by 10 I was admitted and in a hospital gown with an i.v. started.  As they admitted me, Dan let family know that today was indeed the day.  My mom (who had come for the weekend and gone home just the night before) rushed back to Omaha to be there with us during labor and delivery.

Waiting to for them to rupture membranes and start Pitocin.

Dan and I were so excited! We would meet our little boy soon :-)  I was also nervous.  This was my first baby and I hadn't even had so much as Braxton Hicks contractions up until this point.  We had registered for the hospital's prenatal class, but the one we had signed up for would have taken place the weekend after our baby was going to be born now.

Around 11 they checked me and I was 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced so they went ahead and started the Pitocin.  Not much later they went ahead and ruptured my membranes. I had so little fluid, that the resident and the nurse were only "pretty sure" they were ruptured.  I spent most of the afternoon in bed chatting with Dan and my mom and watching t.v. while the contractions got started.  By late afternoon the contractions were starting to get uncomfortable and I was getting antsy laying in bed so the nurse asked if I wanted to spend sometime on the birthing ball.  I spent awhile on the birthing ball and it did help.  After awhile on the birthing ball I wanted to get up and walk.  Before they let me walk, they checked me again.  I had progressed to 4 cm and fully effaced.  Dan, my mom, and I spent some time walking laps around the ward.  It didn't take long for the contractions to intensify.

As afternoon began to turn into evening my contractions progressed to the point that as we walked, I would have to stop and breathe through it while holding onto Dan.  As they became stronger, they also started getting closer together.  I decided I wanted to be back in bed.  While laboring in bed, the contractions continued to be intense to the point that all I could do was focus on breathing through them.  They also got very close together.  I had probably 30 seconds or less between contractions(if that's inaccurate that's definitely how short it felt to me).  It was at this point we called the nurse to let her know I wanted an epidural.  At coming into the room and seeing how much my countenance had changed since starting to walk she decided to check me again. I was 5 cm dilated at this point.  Between 6 and 7 pm the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural.  Oh sweet relief!!! The epidural was AMAZING!!!!  They encouraged me to rest and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours.

Not long after I woke up, the nurse came in and checked me. I was almost completely dilated, there was just a little left on one side, so they had me in a couple different positions to get it to complete and to get the baby to move down.  After spending some time doing this, they had me try a few pushes, but they noticed that each time they had me push, the baby's heart rate would dip.  The nurse called my doctor to let her know what was going on.  It wasn't too much later that my doctor arrived and took a look at what the baby's heart rate was doing.  She told us that he wasn't liking pushing, but she felt comfortable going ahead and keeping an eye on it and start pushing.  I don't remember exactly how long I spent pushing, but I do remember how amazing it was to watch my baby crown in the birthing mirror as I pushed.  Finally at 10:49 pm Paul Cortez David was born 5 lbs(the exact weight he measured on the ultrasound that morning) and 18 and 1/2 inches long!

Face to face for the first time!

Meeting Daddy!

Paul Cortez
5lbs. 18 and 1/2 inches long

After examining the cord, my doctor told us it was no wonder he hadn't liked pushing because there was literally a knot. They also sent my placenta to pathology to see if they could determine why it had aged faster than it should have(at my 6 week appointment my doctor said they couldn't determine a cause).  After cleaning us both up they moved us from labor and delivery to our room upstairs.  After all the hard work of giving birth and being born we were both exhausted.

The next day quickly became an adventure.  Being so little, he didn't want to wake up to eat and he was dropping his temperature, but seemed to be doing okay otherwise.  By late afternoon, his temperature seemed to be stabilizing so the nurse took us to give him his first bath in the nursery.

Not a huge fan of his first bath

After his bath, we swaddled him back up with warm blankets and brought him back to the room.  When we got back to the room, the nurse checked his temperature and it had dipped again.  She said she'd give him a half hour, but if it wasn't back up by then she'd need to take him back down to the nursery to be in the warmer.  When she came back to check it, it was still low so he had to go to the nursery.  Not to long after she took him to the nursery, he had his first noticeable apnea.  It happened twice in less than an hour.  Just as family was arriving to meet him for the first time, they came to tell us they were moving him down to the NICU.  Dan and I walked down with him and a doctor came to let us know what was going on.  Between Dan and I, I remember polishing off the box of kleenex that was in the room.  We were both so worried about our little guy and it was heartbreaking to see him with tubes and wires hooked to him.

In his isolet

It took 8 days for him to be released from the hospital.  For Dan and I, those were some very long days.  Waiting for Paul to start eating regularly, gain weight, regulate his temperature, lower his bilirubin level, stop having apnea, and pass his car seat test.  We definitely felt all the prayers that were being offered up for both of us and for Paul.  Finally, on December 7, Paul got to come home with us.  It was both exciting and surreal that we were finally taking our baby boy home with us.

Riding home in his car seat.

Sleeping in his bassinet at home for the first time.

Pregnancy Timeline

Since I didn't blog much last year, I thought I'd share some of my pregnancy journey with you.  I use the word journey, because for me, that's really what it was.  It was a journey that taught me to love my husband in a new way, that taught me to trust God more, that brought us our precious baby, Paul, who I love more than I ever thought possible, that reminded me once again how powerful prayer can be, and that reminded me just how amazing God is.

April 17, 2011--We found out we were expecting(insert unspeakable joy and excitement here) and told my side of the family.

April 22-24, 2011--We are in Colorado visiting Dan's family and get to tell them we're expecting.

June 8, 2011--We heard the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time.

August 3, 2011--We got to see the baby on ultrasound and found out we're having a boy.  We decide on a name and manage to keep it a secret until Paul's birth.

October 31, 2011--We have an ultrasound to measure baby's growth since I have actually lost weight since becoming pregnant.  We find out I have low amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios) and my placenta is aging faster than it should for no discernible reason.  This increased the risk of 'cord events' including stillbirth so the baby and I required additional monitoring. This included weekly appointments with by regular obstetrician and with a perinatal specialist and nightly kick counts. (The kick counts were always a little bit of a stressful time as I laid on one side for about an hour counting to make sure baby had moved the right number of times.)  Our goal would be to get to 37 weeks gestation (12/5/2011).

November 8, 2011--Due to a continued decrease in fluid I am admitted to the hospital to receive i.v. fluids in hopes of increasing my fluid level. 

November 9, 2011--After having pain in my upper right abdomen(more on this later), preeclampsia is suspected. I'm informed an emergency c-section may be a possibility depending on how my labs come back(major freakout commences). My mom, brothers, and sister come up from Beatrice for the day since it's possible I could have the baby that day. Thankfully my labs come back negative for preeclampsia so I breathe a sigh of relief and they head home.  The doctor decides to keep me on i.v. fluids one more night.

November 10, 2011--I am discharged on bedrest with strict instructions to make sure to drink at least 64oz per day to keep my fluid at the more favorable level the i.v. fluids have brought it back up to.  The goal is still to get as close to 37 weeks as possible (12/5/2011).

November 15, 2011--At my appointment, the perinatologist says, "Yay, you're a week more pregnant!"

November 21, 2011--Only 2 weeks left till our goal!!!  My fluid had continued to decrease, but baby continued to be active and looked good on the ultrasound.  The doctor says we'll wait one more week, but we should be prepared for the baby to arrive or need to be delivered here on out.  We decided not to travel for Thanksgiving just to be safe.

November 28, 2011--At my appointment we find out my fluid has continued to decrease, my placenta has continued to age more quickly than it should, and these things in combination had caused a growth restriction, so Paul was the same size as when they measured him 2 weeks before. My blood pressure has also decided to suddenly spike by about 140/97 instead of my usually pretty steady 120/80.  My doctor's appointment was at  9:00 am and by 10:00am I'm in a hospital gown getting ready to be induced...

Keep an eye out for my next post about Paul's birth story and first days of life in the NICU.

                           

Faith in Waiting

Wait. A short simple word, but at times so hard to do. Something the Lord continues to teach me is the importance of waiting and waiting patiently on Him.

One of the things that I have struggled the most in my life to wait for is a baby. When we were engaged, after mutual prayer and study, my husband and I were convicted that using birth control in our marriage was wrong. I've always loved children and was so excited to greet our first child in the near future. In with much of the research we'd done about contraception, there was also a lot of information about how long it takes most couples to conceive. I was so excited that according to most of what we read we would be pregnant within a year. Each month my hopes would build up. I hoped and sometimes even prayed that my period wouldn't come, that I would see those two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. As our first anniversary came and went, I was severely discouraged. God has asked for our obedience and we had given it fully hadn't we? Why wasn't I pregnant yet? Was there something wrong with us? Were children not a part of the future God had for us? These were all questions floating through my brain.

Finally, I realized that even though God didn't seem to have children for us right then, I needed to honor God in my waiting. I needed to entrust my desires to God, inundate myself with His word, and actively prepare for whatever future He had for us. I found so much peace in surrendering all my worries and desires to the Lord. (Not to say there weren't still those day's when I came before the Lord having to start all over. Some days it would seem there was a baby or pregnant woman everywhere I went and I would have to come before the Lord and ask Him to forgive me again for my anger towards Him and lay everything down at his feet.) Who was I to know better than Him when the best time was for us to be parents? I came to a place of acceptance. I knew that whatever the Lord had for us was going to be wonderful even if it wasn't exactly when or how I had envisioned it.

I've come to realize that while, I was waiting on God, He was also waiting on me. Waiting on me to be obedient, waiting for my unconditional surrender. Understand, I'm not saying when we are obedient or when we surrender it is like a magical formula to get exactly what we want. What I am saying is we can trust Him fully, and His ways are perfect in our lives. Though I did not always understand the why, I was and am reminded that I serve a God whose ways are vastly beyond my own. He is a God I can entrust with my own future and that of my family.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Some lessons I've learned as a mommy so far...

Finding a niche is always tricky. With each of life's changes, what our lives look like grow and change. This is something that I've been thinking about since we brought Paul home from the hospital. What does being a stay at home wife and mom need to look like? How does my life need to change and what do I need to grow in? This post is definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I did want to share what God has impressed upon my heart so far.

First of all, Paul is only going to be little for so long. This means, that while there are so many other things I am constantly striving to get accomplished nothing is so important that I can't set it aside to spend time with my baby. While changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and dressing a baby can get to be routine, I have really been reminded that I need to stop and make sure to treasure these moments. Some of my favorite memories with Paul so far have happened in those little ordinary moments during things that happen every day. This morning I went in to get Paul out of his crib after hearing him fussing, and as soon as he saw my face his lit up with a huge smile. Another time was earlier this week. I was changing his diaper and talking to him and he started giggling for the first time. It was so precious! He's growing and changing so fast and I don't want to miss it because I was too busy with whatever I thought was so important at the time or too preoccupied thinking about other things to notice.

Minutes old Paul.

Paul just over a week ago.

Second, while I would like to spend every single moment of every day with Paul, there are things that need to get done, and it is okay to go do them when he's napping or happily playing nearby. Part of my job as a wife is to care for my husband and our home. That means laundry, meals, unpacking, and cleaning. It means making sure to spend some time just talking with my husband. It also means taking care of myself. Even if I don't accomplish quite as much as I wanted to, each day I need to make sure 3 things happen: quiet time, meals, and a little alone time(even when it's just a shower).

Third, mommy guilt is real and you have to deal with it or it will eat you alive. I initially felt guilty that Paul had to be born early, that I had an epidural, that while I had desperately wanted to breastfeed I wasn't able to convince my baby to latch on, that I couldn't keep up with pumping to keep my milk supply up, and so on and so forth. I finally came to two very important realizations: number 1, you can make all the plans you want ahead of time, but it will probably not turn out quite like you expect. I had to re-learn that all my plans needed to be surrendered to the Lord. I had to remember that I was most definitely not in control and I definitely did not need to feel guilty for those things which were out of my control. Number 2, every mom and baby are different and it's okay if the way you do things is a little bit different. Those things that I could control, but had done differently than originally planned weren't wrong. God created each and every one of us as an individual. That means while there will be those we know or talk to that do things very similar to the way we do things and those that do things very differently, no one is wrong as long as they are honoring God with their life and seeking to raise godly, cared-for children.

While my perspective has changed and in a way who I am has too, I serve a God who is unchanging. He's still who I need most and who I run too. He really spoke to my heart earlier this week through the Bethany Dillon song "Say Your Name". If you haven't heard it, go look up the lyrics or listen to it on youtube. She talks about her recent engagement having changed her perspective, and while the catalyst was different, the rest of the song resonated with me really deeply. I may be changing, but things aren't really that different. My Lord is the same.