Faith in Waiting

Wait. A short simple word, but at times so hard to do. Something the Lord continues to teach me is the importance of waiting and waiting patiently on Him.

One of the things that I have struggled the most in my life to wait for is a baby. When we were engaged, after mutual prayer and study, my husband and I were convicted that using birth control in our marriage was wrong. I've always loved children and was so excited to greet our first child in the near future. In with much of the research we'd done about contraception, there was also a lot of information about how long it takes most couples to conceive. I was so excited that according to most of what we read we would be pregnant within a year. Each month my hopes would build up. I hoped and sometimes even prayed that my period wouldn't come, that I would see those two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. As our first anniversary came and went, I was severely discouraged. God has asked for our obedience and we had given it fully hadn't we? Why wasn't I pregnant yet? Was there something wrong with us? Were children not a part of the future God had for us? These were all questions floating through my brain.

Finally, I realized that even though God didn't seem to have children for us right then, I needed to honor God in my waiting. I needed to entrust my desires to God, inundate myself with His word, and actively prepare for whatever future He had for us. I found so much peace in surrendering all my worries and desires to the Lord. (Not to say there weren't still those day's when I came before the Lord having to start all over. Some days it would seem there was a baby or pregnant woman everywhere I went and I would have to come before the Lord and ask Him to forgive me again for my anger towards Him and lay everything down at his feet.) Who was I to know better than Him when the best time was for us to be parents? I came to a place of acceptance. I knew that whatever the Lord had for us was going to be wonderful even if it wasn't exactly when or how I had envisioned it.

I've come to realize that while, I was waiting on God, He was also waiting on me. Waiting on me to be obedient, waiting for my unconditional surrender. Understand, I'm not saying when we are obedient or when we surrender it is like a magical formula to get exactly what we want. What I am saying is we can trust Him fully, and His ways are perfect in our lives. Though I did not always understand the why, I was and am reminded that I serve a God whose ways are vastly beyond my own. He is a God I can entrust with my own future and that of my family.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Some lessons I've learned as a mommy so far...

Finding a niche is always tricky. With each of life's changes, what our lives look like grow and change. This is something that I've been thinking about since we brought Paul home from the hospital. What does being a stay at home wife and mom need to look like? How does my life need to change and what do I need to grow in? This post is definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I did want to share what God has impressed upon my heart so far.

First of all, Paul is only going to be little for so long. This means, that while there are so many other things I am constantly striving to get accomplished nothing is so important that I can't set it aside to spend time with my baby. While changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and dressing a baby can get to be routine, I have really been reminded that I need to stop and make sure to treasure these moments. Some of my favorite memories with Paul so far have happened in those little ordinary moments during things that happen every day. This morning I went in to get Paul out of his crib after hearing him fussing, and as soon as he saw my face his lit up with a huge smile. Another time was earlier this week. I was changing his diaper and talking to him and he started giggling for the first time. It was so precious! He's growing and changing so fast and I don't want to miss it because I was too busy with whatever I thought was so important at the time or too preoccupied thinking about other things to notice.

Minutes old Paul.

Paul just over a week ago.

Second, while I would like to spend every single moment of every day with Paul, there are things that need to get done, and it is okay to go do them when he's napping or happily playing nearby. Part of my job as a wife is to care for my husband and our home. That means laundry, meals, unpacking, and cleaning. It means making sure to spend some time just talking with my husband. It also means taking care of myself. Even if I don't accomplish quite as much as I wanted to, each day I need to make sure 3 things happen: quiet time, meals, and a little alone time(even when it's just a shower).

Third, mommy guilt is real and you have to deal with it or it will eat you alive. I initially felt guilty that Paul had to be born early, that I had an epidural, that while I had desperately wanted to breastfeed I wasn't able to convince my baby to latch on, that I couldn't keep up with pumping to keep my milk supply up, and so on and so forth. I finally came to two very important realizations: number 1, you can make all the plans you want ahead of time, but it will probably not turn out quite like you expect. I had to re-learn that all my plans needed to be surrendered to the Lord. I had to remember that I was most definitely not in control and I definitely did not need to feel guilty for those things which were out of my control. Number 2, every mom and baby are different and it's okay if the way you do things is a little bit different. Those things that I could control, but had done differently than originally planned weren't wrong. God created each and every one of us as an individual. That means while there will be those we know or talk to that do things very similar to the way we do things and those that do things very differently, no one is wrong as long as they are honoring God with their life and seeking to raise godly, cared-for children.

While my perspective has changed and in a way who I am has too, I serve a God who is unchanging. He's still who I need most and who I run too. He really spoke to my heart earlier this week through the Bethany Dillon song "Say Your Name". If you haven't heard it, go look up the lyrics or listen to it on youtube. She talks about her recent engagement having changed her perspective, and while the catalyst was different, the rest of the song resonated with me really deeply. I may be changing, but things aren't really that different. My Lord is the same.