Having Trouble With No

It was a pretty standard mid-week outing with the kids. The day had seemed extra long, the kids all seemed to have a bad case of cabin fever, and by dinner time my motivation to cook anything was waning so off to Burger King we went.

The kids were over the moon about their kid’s meal toys and cardboard crowns and laughing and generally having  a good time while we talked and ate. I had to remind them to settle down and eat a few times, but over all it was a good break for all of us. In the midst of this merriment I looked over at Bella and she was crying. Immediately I asked her what was wrong. Her answer, “I’m just having trouble with no right now.”  Sure I’d misunderstood, I asked again. She answered, “I’m having trouble with the word no.”

The funny thing is, I didn't remember telling her no about anything right then.  We had a brief conversation about it being ok about being disappointed when the answer is no instead of yes and how grown ups feel that way sometimes too. Then, as so often happens, she jumped to the next thing like the moment was forgotten.

But I didn’t forget. That was almost 2 weeks ago and that little conversation has turned over and over in my mind. It has been something I’ve talked to God about in my prayers and talked about with my husband a few times. We’ve had some pretty big no’s in our marriage. Eight years in and our lives look radically different than we thought they would.  We live somewhere we never expected to, my husband works in a field he never expected to after many no’s in the one he went to school for, and I’m back in school because we’re finding we are going to need me to work soon when I was always sure the kids would have to be much older before I even attempted such a thing.  

But one of the hardest no’s happened 2 months ago.  I went to the doctor and found out our daughter Ruby had no heartbeat. We had one precious day of getting to hold our perfect, beautiful stillborn daughter in our arms, but we had to leave the hospital with no baby, no Ruby.  

So I guess you could say I’m having trouble with no too. 

This grief journey is a hard one, and I don’t think I’d believe it was survivable without all the people who have been willing to say, “Hey, I’ve been through a similar loss.” It’s a bittersweet thing to be encouraged by what you know was/is such a horrible no in someone else’s life, but I am thankful for each person who has reached out to us in this way. I’m so thankful for all the people who’ve reached out and said, “I’m here if you need to talk” or “I’m praying.” 

This season has become all about being ok with not being ok, but hanging onto hope because of the yeses we have in Christ and I think it will continue to be.  It’s about learning to trust God even with the no’s that have already happened and the ones we’re afraid of in the future.

Not to be served, but to serve

Reading this article by Rachel Jankovic was the nudge I needed to go ahead and write this post.  Go ahead and pop on over and read it. This post will still be here when you get back.

My prayer, as my second child's due date swiftly approaches, has been that the Lord would continue to make me the mother He wants me to be and that He would show me what loving my husband and children looks like.

As I've been reading through the New Testament in my daily reading I've really been struck by the following verse from Mark 10:

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."-Mark 10:45 ESV

 Now in the passage this is tucked into, Jesus is addressing his disciples to remind them what life between them needs to look like.  That life as his followers is not about position, status.  It is about serving.  Serving and sacrifice.  Two things that characterize how our savior showed his love for us.

My biggest opportunity to serve is at home.  It is in how I care for my child (soon to be children :-) ) and my husband, how I manage my home, and the attitude I go about that with.  I'm serving by doing the laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning toilets, and making the grocery list.  I'm serving by picking up toys for what feels like the millionth time, cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night, and by snuggling my sick child.  And all the while, in this serving, I'm learning more and more to make sacrifices.  I'm learning to set aside myself and look for the needs of others.  I'm learning to care for myself better so I can serve the Lord and my family better.  I'm being stretched to set aside some of the material things I once considered so important.

As I serve, there is sacrifice.  I am sacrificing what I want, what would be easiest.  In Romans 12:1 it talks about our need to be a living sacrifice.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."-Romans 12:1 ESV

Living sacrificially encompasses what each day should be.  All I do should be something that worships who my creator is.  Setting aside myself, my agenda and choosing to serve my family because I desire to serve the Lord.

Our culture tells us that our priority is ourselves, to do what makes us happy.  It tells us we need things and position.  That's not what life in Christ is about.  We're not to be conformed to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed.  Praise the Lord for His mercy as He continues to transform me!

"Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."-Romans 12:2 ESV

For His Glory,

Courtney