When Grief and Grateful Coexist

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.  The weather is finally turning cold.  Christmas feels right around the corner. I’ve watched so many friends post each day about something they’re thankful for.  It is something I’ve even done in the past.  My daily Timehop has been filled with things I’ve posted I’m thankful for in years past.  This year is different.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still very grateful for many, many things.  When I see those posts made by others in my feed, I take time to think about something to be grateful for right then.  

I made the decision not to post things daily this year though. You see, I’m still hurting, still grieving the loss of precious Ruby, and sometimes the things I’m thankful for feel too heavy to share.  Sometimes they’re things I have mixed emotions about.  Sometimes the hurt and the gratefulness come together and reduce me once again to tears.  So much emotion lies just below the surface and bubbles up so quickly when I least expect it.  I’m learning how to let emotions exist together I never thought would keep each other company.  Learning that feeling one doesn’t take away from the other. 

Just a few of the things I’m grateful for this year in no particular order are:

I’m so grateful for the kindness of every single one of the medical professionals that were part of Ruby’s birth and the time we got to spend with her before saying goodbye for the last time.

I’m so grateful for the hundreds of pictures the nurses took for us, for the nurse who grabbed my phone and said, “You need pictures of her on here too.”

I’m so grateful for a husband who is very understanding, and who takes time to comfort me when I know he is hurting too.

I’m so grateful for our living kids.  I feel both the blessing and responsibility of parenting them in a new way since losing their sister.

I’m grateful for the love of family and friends; especially so for all the care, extra prayers, and encouragement in this very difficult season.

I’m grateful that we have all of our needs met. That there’s a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, and food in our stomachs.

Most of all I’m thankful for the grace, love, and comfort of a God who promises to be close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18).

If I don’t seem myself this holiday season, it’s because I’m not.  I’m this unfamiliar new version of myself I’m still trying to figure out.  Be gentle with me.  If you are, I’ll be grateful for that too.

Having Trouble With No

It was a pretty standard mid-week outing with the kids. The day had seemed extra long, the kids all seemed to have a bad case of cabin fever, and by dinner time my motivation to cook anything was waning so off to Burger King we went.

The kids were over the moon about their kid’s meal toys and cardboard crowns and laughing and generally having  a good time while we talked and ate. I had to remind them to settle down and eat a few times, but over all it was a good break for all of us. In the midst of this merriment I looked over at Bella and she was crying. Immediately I asked her what was wrong. Her answer, “I’m just having trouble with no right now.”  Sure I’d misunderstood, I asked again. She answered, “I’m having trouble with the word no.”

The funny thing is, I didn't remember telling her no about anything right then.  We had a brief conversation about it being ok about being disappointed when the answer is no instead of yes and how grown ups feel that way sometimes too. Then, as so often happens, she jumped to the next thing like the moment was forgotten.

But I didn’t forget. That was almost 2 weeks ago and that little conversation has turned over and over in my mind. It has been something I’ve talked to God about in my prayers and talked about with my husband a few times. We’ve had some pretty big no’s in our marriage. Eight years in and our lives look radically different than we thought they would.  We live somewhere we never expected to, my husband works in a field he never expected to after many no’s in the one he went to school for, and I’m back in school because we’re finding we are going to need me to work soon when I was always sure the kids would have to be much older before I even attempted such a thing.  

But one of the hardest no’s happened 2 months ago.  I went to the doctor and found out our daughter Ruby had no heartbeat. We had one precious day of getting to hold our perfect, beautiful stillborn daughter in our arms, but we had to leave the hospital with no baby, no Ruby.  

So I guess you could say I’m having trouble with no too. 

This grief journey is a hard one, and I don’t think I’d believe it was survivable without all the people who have been willing to say, “Hey, I’ve been through a similar loss.” It’s a bittersweet thing to be encouraged by what you know was/is such a horrible no in someone else’s life, but I am thankful for each person who has reached out to us in this way. I’m so thankful for all the people who’ve reached out and said, “I’m here if you need to talk” or “I’m praying.” 

This season has become all about being ok with not being ok, but hanging onto hope because of the yeses we have in Christ and I think it will continue to be.  It’s about learning to trust God even with the no’s that have already happened and the ones we’re afraid of in the future.

What you're doing is ministry...

This past week, my husband and I had the privilege to attend a pastors and leaders conference.  It was a powerful time spent in the Bible and in prayer, a time to fellowship with those who are like-minded and our family in Christ.  I have come away feeling so refreshed and encouraged.  Several ladies took time to talk with, encourage, and pray with me specifically.  The Lord used them to speak His truth into my life and my heart.  It has so encouraged me, I wanted to share with you in case you are in need of encouragement as well.

1.  If your husband is called, then so are you.

I have no doubt whatsoever that my husband needs to be doing ministry.  Sometimes I doubt absolutely that I'm qualified to hold the title "pastor's wife".  That title carries different expectations for different people and I've always struggled with wanting to please people.  I am learning more and more (and was encouraged to) remember that ministry in the church comes after my ministry in my home.  I need to be faithful to live the word out as well as teach it.  Yes, I do need to be faithful to give God's word out, but that starts at home with my husband and my children.

2.  Loving your husband and child(ren) is ministry.

In a society that diminishes that which is done at home, it is so easy to become discouraged.  I have found my self in that unlovely place of feeling like I am "just" a stay at home wife and mom, like what I'm doing is not enough.  My own mother has in encouraged me in the past and several ladies at the conference encouraged me as well in true Titus 2 fashion!  In a world full of hurting people and largely void of true love, allowing people to see my love for my husband and son is a silent witness for the gospel.  A huge part of my ministry is to love my husband and my son!

^"3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, ⁴ so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵  to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."-Titus 2:3-5 NASB

3. Do not grow weary in well doing!

Any one in ministry will tell you there was some point where they felt discouraged.  They felt that maybe they should look for a new opportunity or that faithfully sharing the truth was just too hard or the hearts of the people too resistant or the finances too challenging, etc.  If we give up, the devil wins.  If we decide to stop ministering the gospel, it's one more victory for the evil one.  Several ladies shared with me the exhortation of Galatians 6:9

^"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."-Galatians 6:9 NKJV

Don't grow weary, don't lose heart!  Giving out the gospel is important and that starts with you ministry to your husband and children!  Be encouraged dear reader! I'm praying this would minister to your heart today!



For His Glory,



Courtney

 

So Blessed...

My heart is so full right now.  The Lord has so richly blessed me.  I have so much more than I ever could have asked for, so much more than I deserve.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me, who loves our son and is an amazing father, who cares enough to put God first, who has a deep passion for God's word and a great love for people.  I have a beautiful healthy son despite all that could have gone wrong during my pregnancy or just after his birth.  Every time I look into that precious face or hold him in my arms, I know I am holding a miracle. Most of all, though, I have a savior!  A savior named Jesus, who left heaven and came to earth as a man, who chose to suffer and die for all sin, who rose again on the third day, and who has forgiven my sins and allowed me to have a personal relationship with Him!

There are so many more things I could list.  I could give so many specific instances of God's goodness, mercy, grace, and love in my life.  Right now, my heart is so full I feel it could burst!  I just had to share with you how a small piece of how great my God is and how good He's been to me.  Yes, there are parts of my life that are hard, but I have so much more than I deserve.  I am a sinner and deserve no more than punishment and death, yet here I am.  I am alive, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a wonderful family, dear friends, a chance to minister to others, and most of all, I have a Savior!

I have to marvel at how great my God is, how much He's given me, how much He is teaching me through His word and in prayer!  I would encourage you, take a few minutes just to think about all He's done for you.  Remind yourself of His faithfulness.

And if you don't know Him, seek Him out.  Get a Bible and start reading the New Testament, find a Bible-believing church and get in touch with the pastor with your questions, or even leave me a comment.

For His Glory,

Courtney

Some lessons I've learned as a mommy so far...

Finding a niche is always tricky. With each of life's changes, what our lives look like grow and change. This is something that I've been thinking about since we brought Paul home from the hospital. What does being a stay at home wife and mom need to look like? How does my life need to change and what do I need to grow in? This post is definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I did want to share what God has impressed upon my heart so far.

First of all, Paul is only going to be little for so long. This means, that while there are so many other things I am constantly striving to get accomplished nothing is so important that I can't set it aside to spend time with my baby. While changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and dressing a baby can get to be routine, I have really been reminded that I need to stop and make sure to treasure these moments. Some of my favorite memories with Paul so far have happened in those little ordinary moments during things that happen every day. This morning I went in to get Paul out of his crib after hearing him fussing, and as soon as he saw my face his lit up with a huge smile. Another time was earlier this week. I was changing his diaper and talking to him and he started giggling for the first time. It was so precious! He's growing and changing so fast and I don't want to miss it because I was too busy with whatever I thought was so important at the time or too preoccupied thinking about other things to notice.

Minutes old Paul.

Paul just over a week ago.

Second, while I would like to spend every single moment of every day with Paul, there are things that need to get done, and it is okay to go do them when he's napping or happily playing nearby. Part of my job as a wife is to care for my husband and our home. That means laundry, meals, unpacking, and cleaning. It means making sure to spend some time just talking with my husband. It also means taking care of myself. Even if I don't accomplish quite as much as I wanted to, each day I need to make sure 3 things happen: quiet time, meals, and a little alone time(even when it's just a shower).

Third, mommy guilt is real and you have to deal with it or it will eat you alive. I initially felt guilty that Paul had to be born early, that I had an epidural, that while I had desperately wanted to breastfeed I wasn't able to convince my baby to latch on, that I couldn't keep up with pumping to keep my milk supply up, and so on and so forth. I finally came to two very important realizations: number 1, you can make all the plans you want ahead of time, but it will probably not turn out quite like you expect. I had to re-learn that all my plans needed to be surrendered to the Lord. I had to remember that I was most definitely not in control and I definitely did not need to feel guilty for those things which were out of my control. Number 2, every mom and baby are different and it's okay if the way you do things is a little bit different. Those things that I could control, but had done differently than originally planned weren't wrong. God created each and every one of us as an individual. That means while there will be those we know or talk to that do things very similar to the way we do things and those that do things very differently, no one is wrong as long as they are honoring God with their life and seeking to raise godly, cared-for children.

While my perspective has changed and in a way who I am has too, I serve a God who is unchanging. He's still who I need most and who I run too. He really spoke to my heart earlier this week through the Bethany Dillon song "Say Your Name". If you haven't heard it, go look up the lyrics or listen to it on youtube. She talks about her recent engagement having changed her perspective, and while the catalyst was different, the rest of the song resonated with me really deeply. I may be changing, but things aren't really that different. My Lord is the same.