When Grief and Grateful Coexist

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.  The weather is finally turning cold.  Christmas feels right around the corner. I’ve watched so many friends post each day about something they’re thankful for.  It is something I’ve even done in the past.  My daily Timehop has been filled with things I’ve posted I’m thankful for in years past.  This year is different.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still very grateful for many, many things.  When I see those posts made by others in my feed, I take time to think about something to be grateful for right then.  

I made the decision not to post things daily this year though. You see, I’m still hurting, still grieving the loss of precious Ruby, and sometimes the things I’m thankful for feel too heavy to share.  Sometimes they’re things I have mixed emotions about.  Sometimes the hurt and the gratefulness come together and reduce me once again to tears.  So much emotion lies just below the surface and bubbles up so quickly when I least expect it.  I’m learning how to let emotions exist together I never thought would keep each other company.  Learning that feeling one doesn’t take away from the other. 

Just a few of the things I’m grateful for this year in no particular order are:

I’m so grateful for the kindness of every single one of the medical professionals that were part of Ruby’s birth and the time we got to spend with her before saying goodbye for the last time.

I’m so grateful for the hundreds of pictures the nurses took for us, for the nurse who grabbed my phone and said, “You need pictures of her on here too.”

I’m so grateful for a husband who is very understanding, and who takes time to comfort me when I know he is hurting too.

I’m so grateful for our living kids.  I feel both the blessing and responsibility of parenting them in a new way since losing their sister.

I’m grateful for the love of family and friends; especially so for all the care, extra prayers, and encouragement in this very difficult season.

I’m grateful that we have all of our needs met. That there’s a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, and food in our stomachs.

Most of all I’m thankful for the grace, love, and comfort of a God who promises to be close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18).

If I don’t seem myself this holiday season, it’s because I’m not.  I’m this unfamiliar new version of myself I’m still trying to figure out.  Be gentle with me.  If you are, I’ll be grateful for that too.