My Dearest Ruby,
How has it already been an entire year since I first held you in my arms? The weight of missing you makes it feel like it’s been much longer sometimes. The days have flown by the same as the first precious year with each of your siblings have though. It feels strange to speak of your first birthday when if you’d have lived you would just be 8 months old right now, yet here we are.
One year later my heart still aches to have you with me, my arms still ache to hold you and kiss you one more time. I still wish there was something I could have done to keep you here, still wonder if there was any choice I could have made differently that would have let you stay. I couldn’t keep you safe and as your mom that breaks my heart. I’d heard the words cord accident when talking about risks with my pregnancy with your big brother Paul because of low fluid, but I never dreamed one would steal you away. It took you anyway and we’re all here without you.
Living in a world without you in it hurts. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can feel it in my chest before the tears leave my eyes. Outliving you just feels wrong. I shouldn’t be outliving you. It’s not how it was supposed to be.
I think about you all the time. What would you be like? Would you have your sister’s sass? Would you be loud and messy or quiet and orderly like one of your brothers? Who would you look most like? Would you have my brown eyes or your daddy’s hazel ones? What would your smile look like? What would have made you giggle?
Your brothers and sister would have been wrapped around your fingers. They love you so much and it’s so hard to watch them miss you. The first time we visited your grave with them after your funeral Paul thought we’d get you back and be able to take you home. Bella has a pink Ruby bear she sleeps with just like I do. Seamus sweetly exclaims “baby Ruby” every time he sees your picture. I watch their eyes follow babies wherever we go. I don’t know how to answer the question, “When do we get to have a baby to bring home?” I don’t know how to comfort them when they speak the words, “I wish Ruby got to come home with us” any better than by giving hugs and being honest in telling them that I wish that too.
As for your daddy, know his love for you is fierce. I could see it in his face when you were born. He was just as proud and overjoyed and in love with you as he was with Paul and Bella and Seamus. He wishes as much as I do that you could have stayed with us. He would have done anything to protect you if he could have.
I think of heaven so much more often now that you’re there. I wonder what it’s like for you and try to remind myself that each day I live is one day closer to eternity with Jesus and with you. I wonder if you’ve gotten to meet the ladies you were named after, my great-grandmother and your daddy’s grandmother. I wonder if they’ve gotten to hold you and rock you like I never could. I wonder if you’ve met the sweet babies that the other brave mamas that I know had to say good bye to. I wonder if you’re up there playing with Cora Grace, Kalliope, Evan, Anakin, and so many others. If maybe you’ve gotten to meet my uncle Gary or the siblings I never got to meet in this life.
So on this first birthday, I guess what I want to say is best summed up in two quotes. The first is one that one of the kind nurses put on the photo collage they made us with picture of you and the second one I ran across just last week
“I carried you for every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine.”
“Grief is astronomical. It wraps you up in its enormity and makes it difficult to breathe. But understand that the enormity of grief is indisputable proof that love is, somehow, even bigger.”
I grieve so deeply for you because of how incredibly much I love you my sweet Ruby. I’m thankful for every single moment I got to carry you and for every second we had you in our arms. I’m still trying to figure out where to go with this lifetime worth of love I have to give you when you said goodbye before we really got to say hello.
I love you so much and you are now and always will be a part of the very fabric of my heart.
Love,
Mommy
