The T-shirt

When I picked it out, it was such a joyous purchase. A little green t-shirt with the words "Super Cool Big Bro" across the front.  Paul and Bella got t-shirts too, but they both already held the titles of big brother and big sister. A big brother! Seamus a big brother!  We were having another baby. The list of people that knew about our baby was still short on the day I picked it up.  I knew, Daniel knew, our kids knew, my doctor knew, and now it was time to tell everyone else. We threw that shirt on Seamus and waited for family to notice and understand what that meant at our Easter lunch.  It was a fun way to share our excitement. It was such a happy thing.

I never dreamed that instead of packing that shirt into his overnight bag to wear to the hospital to meet his sister, I'd be trying to hide it away because some days the reminder of how things should be is too hard.  It's not that I could ever forget that Ruby was born still, but some reminders are just more painful than others.

Seamus wouldn't let me get away with it though. He spotted where I'd hidden his t-shirt and insisted on wearing it. He's picked it to wear more than once since then now.  It's a bittersweet thing, but I decided I need to give him this. I shouldn't try to steal or hide his big brotherhood. While it looks nothing like I imagined, he will grow up knowing Ruby's name, that she is his little sister.  He's a big brother and I'll let him wear that title proudly on his shirt until he outgrows it.  I'll treasure his exclamations of "baby Ruby" when he sees her picture even on the days it brings tears to my eyes.  He has no less right to love her and grieve her in his own way just because he 3 instead of 30.  She's his little sister and he is a "super cool big bro" just like his shirt says.