Using the time I have: An Intro

Any one who knows me very well will tell you, "Courtney is a procrastinator."  (My family, my college roommate, and my husband all know this very well) And I'll admit it, it's true.  For awhile I embraced it and found many reasons to explain it away.  I very often used the excuse that I was just busy, that I didn't have time until the last minute. I've come to realize that's just not true.  I have time, I just don't always use it wisely.  And while that realization came to me over a year ago, it hadn't really inspired much action.  (Sure I got organized enough to finish up my degree, but even that could have been done better.) Along with being a procrastinator, I'm not super organized and I fail consistently at time management.  These aren't my favorite qualities are some of my least favorite qualities about myself.  Becoming a mom and realizing that I really don't want my son to pick up my bad habits has been the kick in the pants I needed.

I've also been convicted that, even though I don't have a "boss" as a stay-at-home mom, I am commanded in God's word,

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men"                    -Colossians 3:23 NASB

I want to be an excellent wife and mother.  I want to serve my family well.  I need to begin to be a master of my time instead of allowing other things to master me.  This is going to be especially important, as I become more and more convinced that homeschooling our son and any other children the Lord blesses us with is going to be a big part of the future.  I know every season looks different, I know a large part of the current season is going to be planned around my son's needs, but most of all I know what God's word says.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9a NASB

While I'll continue to blog about other topics as well, I'm starting a journey that will help me use the time I have more wisely.  If you would like to follow me, I'll be posting at least 3 more parts to this series.  Coming up in Part 1:  Meal Planning.


For His Glory

Courtney

Paul's Birth Story

On Monday November 28, 2011, we went to our regularly scheduled perinatologist appointment.  At this appointment, the doctor checked our baby's growth as well as what had become the routine look at the fluid level and placenta.  After seeing that the baby had not grown significantly since the previous measurement, the fluid level had continued to decrease, my blood pressure had suddenly started to spike, and my placenta was still(for a reason still unknown even after a full pathology workup after our baby's birth) aging faster than it should have been, we all agreed that the best decision would be to go ahead and induce me.  My appointment had started at 9, by 10 I was admitted and in a hospital gown with an i.v. started.  As they admitted me, Dan let family know that today was indeed the day.  My mom (who had come for the weekend and gone home just the night before) rushed back to Omaha to be there with us during labor and delivery.

Waiting to for them to rupture membranes and start Pitocin.

Dan and I were so excited! We would meet our little boy soon :-)  I was also nervous.  This was my first baby and I hadn't even had so much as Braxton Hicks contractions up until this point.  We had registered for the hospital's prenatal class, but the one we had signed up for would have taken place the weekend after our baby was going to be born now.

Around 11 they checked me and I was 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced so they went ahead and started the Pitocin.  Not much later they went ahead and ruptured my membranes. I had so little fluid, that the resident and the nurse were only "pretty sure" they were ruptured.  I spent most of the afternoon in bed chatting with Dan and my mom and watching t.v. while the contractions got started.  By late afternoon the contractions were starting to get uncomfortable and I was getting antsy laying in bed so the nurse asked if I wanted to spend sometime on the birthing ball.  I spent awhile on the birthing ball and it did help.  After awhile on the birthing ball I wanted to get up and walk.  Before they let me walk, they checked me again.  I had progressed to 4 cm and fully effaced.  Dan, my mom, and I spent some time walking laps around the ward.  It didn't take long for the contractions to intensify.

As afternoon began to turn into evening my contractions progressed to the point that as we walked, I would have to stop and breathe through it while holding onto Dan.  As they became stronger, they also started getting closer together.  I decided I wanted to be back in bed.  While laboring in bed, the contractions continued to be intense to the point that all I could do was focus on breathing through them.  They also got very close together.  I had probably 30 seconds or less between contractions(if that's inaccurate that's definitely how short it felt to me).  It was at this point we called the nurse to let her know I wanted an epidural.  At coming into the room and seeing how much my countenance had changed since starting to walk she decided to check me again. I was 5 cm dilated at this point.  Between 6 and 7 pm the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural.  Oh sweet relief!!! The epidural was AMAZING!!!!  They encouraged me to rest and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours.

Not long after I woke up, the nurse came in and checked me. I was almost completely dilated, there was just a little left on one side, so they had me in a couple different positions to get it to complete and to get the baby to move down.  After spending some time doing this, they had me try a few pushes, but they noticed that each time they had me push, the baby's heart rate would dip.  The nurse called my doctor to let her know what was going on.  It wasn't too much later that my doctor arrived and took a look at what the baby's heart rate was doing.  She told us that he wasn't liking pushing, but she felt comfortable going ahead and keeping an eye on it and start pushing.  I don't remember exactly how long I spent pushing, but I do remember how amazing it was to watch my baby crown in the birthing mirror as I pushed.  Finally at 10:49 pm Paul Cortez David was born 5 lbs(the exact weight he measured on the ultrasound that morning) and 18 and 1/2 inches long!

Face to face for the first time!

Meeting Daddy!

Paul Cortez
5lbs. 18 and 1/2 inches long

After examining the cord, my doctor told us it was no wonder he hadn't liked pushing because there was literally a knot. They also sent my placenta to pathology to see if they could determine why it had aged faster than it should have(at my 6 week appointment my doctor said they couldn't determine a cause).  After cleaning us both up they moved us from labor and delivery to our room upstairs.  After all the hard work of giving birth and being born we were both exhausted.

The next day quickly became an adventure.  Being so little, he didn't want to wake up to eat and he was dropping his temperature, but seemed to be doing okay otherwise.  By late afternoon, his temperature seemed to be stabilizing so the nurse took us to give him his first bath in the nursery.

Not a huge fan of his first bath

After his bath, we swaddled him back up with warm blankets and brought him back to the room.  When we got back to the room, the nurse checked his temperature and it had dipped again.  She said she'd give him a half hour, but if it wasn't back up by then she'd need to take him back down to the nursery to be in the warmer.  When she came back to check it, it was still low so he had to go to the nursery.  Not to long after she took him to the nursery, he had his first noticeable apnea.  It happened twice in less than an hour.  Just as family was arriving to meet him for the first time, they came to tell us they were moving him down to the NICU.  Dan and I walked down with him and a doctor came to let us know what was going on.  Between Dan and I, I remember polishing off the box of kleenex that was in the room.  We were both so worried about our little guy and it was heartbreaking to see him with tubes and wires hooked to him.

In his isolet

It took 8 days for him to be released from the hospital.  For Dan and I, those were some very long days.  Waiting for Paul to start eating regularly, gain weight, regulate his temperature, lower his bilirubin level, stop having apnea, and pass his car seat test.  We definitely felt all the prayers that were being offered up for both of us and for Paul.  Finally, on December 7, Paul got to come home with us.  It was both exciting and surreal that we were finally taking our baby boy home with us.

Riding home in his car seat.

Sleeping in his bassinet at home for the first time.

Pregnancy Timeline

Since I didn't blog much last year, I thought I'd share some of my pregnancy journey with you.  I use the word journey, because for me, that's really what it was.  It was a journey that taught me to love my husband in a new way, that taught me to trust God more, that brought us our precious baby, Paul, who I love more than I ever thought possible, that reminded me once again how powerful prayer can be, and that reminded me just how amazing God is.

April 17, 2011--We found out we were expecting(insert unspeakable joy and excitement here) and told my side of the family.

April 22-24, 2011--We are in Colorado visiting Dan's family and get to tell them we're expecting.

June 8, 2011--We heard the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time.

August 3, 2011--We got to see the baby on ultrasound and found out we're having a boy.  We decide on a name and manage to keep it a secret until Paul's birth.

October 31, 2011--We have an ultrasound to measure baby's growth since I have actually lost weight since becoming pregnant.  We find out I have low amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios) and my placenta is aging faster than it should for no discernible reason.  This increased the risk of 'cord events' including stillbirth so the baby and I required additional monitoring. This included weekly appointments with by regular obstetrician and with a perinatal specialist and nightly kick counts. (The kick counts were always a little bit of a stressful time as I laid on one side for about an hour counting to make sure baby had moved the right number of times.)  Our goal would be to get to 37 weeks gestation (12/5/2011).

November 8, 2011--Due to a continued decrease in fluid I am admitted to the hospital to receive i.v. fluids in hopes of increasing my fluid level. 

November 9, 2011--After having pain in my upper right abdomen(more on this later), preeclampsia is suspected. I'm informed an emergency c-section may be a possibility depending on how my labs come back(major freakout commences). My mom, brothers, and sister come up from Beatrice for the day since it's possible I could have the baby that day. Thankfully my labs come back negative for preeclampsia so I breathe a sigh of relief and they head home.  The doctor decides to keep me on i.v. fluids one more night.

November 10, 2011--I am discharged on bedrest with strict instructions to make sure to drink at least 64oz per day to keep my fluid at the more favorable level the i.v. fluids have brought it back up to.  The goal is still to get as close to 37 weeks as possible (12/5/2011).

November 15, 2011--At my appointment, the perinatologist says, "Yay, you're a week more pregnant!"

November 21, 2011--Only 2 weeks left till our goal!!!  My fluid had continued to decrease, but baby continued to be active and looked good on the ultrasound.  The doctor says we'll wait one more week, but we should be prepared for the baby to arrive or need to be delivered here on out.  We decided not to travel for Thanksgiving just to be safe.

November 28, 2011--At my appointment we find out my fluid has continued to decrease, my placenta has continued to age more quickly than it should, and these things in combination had caused a growth restriction, so Paul was the same size as when they measured him 2 weeks before. My blood pressure has also decided to suddenly spike by about 140/97 instead of my usually pretty steady 120/80.  My doctor's appointment was at  9:00 am and by 10:00am I'm in a hospital gown getting ready to be induced...

Keep an eye out for my next post about Paul's birth story and first days of life in the NICU.

                           

Faith in Waiting

Wait. A short simple word, but at times so hard to do. Something the Lord continues to teach me is the importance of waiting and waiting patiently on Him.

One of the things that I have struggled the most in my life to wait for is a baby. When we were engaged, after mutual prayer and study, my husband and I were convicted that using birth control in our marriage was wrong. I've always loved children and was so excited to greet our first child in the near future. In with much of the research we'd done about contraception, there was also a lot of information about how long it takes most couples to conceive. I was so excited that according to most of what we read we would be pregnant within a year. Each month my hopes would build up. I hoped and sometimes even prayed that my period wouldn't come, that I would see those two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. As our first anniversary came and went, I was severely discouraged. God has asked for our obedience and we had given it fully hadn't we? Why wasn't I pregnant yet? Was there something wrong with us? Were children not a part of the future God had for us? These were all questions floating through my brain.

Finally, I realized that even though God didn't seem to have children for us right then, I needed to honor God in my waiting. I needed to entrust my desires to God, inundate myself with His word, and actively prepare for whatever future He had for us. I found so much peace in surrendering all my worries and desires to the Lord. (Not to say there weren't still those day's when I came before the Lord having to start all over. Some days it would seem there was a baby or pregnant woman everywhere I went and I would have to come before the Lord and ask Him to forgive me again for my anger towards Him and lay everything down at his feet.) Who was I to know better than Him when the best time was for us to be parents? I came to a place of acceptance. I knew that whatever the Lord had for us was going to be wonderful even if it wasn't exactly when or how I had envisioned it.

I've come to realize that while, I was waiting on God, He was also waiting on me. Waiting on me to be obedient, waiting for my unconditional surrender. Understand, I'm not saying when we are obedient or when we surrender it is like a magical formula to get exactly what we want. What I am saying is we can trust Him fully, and His ways are perfect in our lives. Though I did not always understand the why, I was and am reminded that I serve a God whose ways are vastly beyond my own. He is a God I can entrust with my own future and that of my family.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Some lessons I've learned as a mommy so far...

Finding a niche is always tricky. With each of life's changes, what our lives look like grow and change. This is something that I've been thinking about since we brought Paul home from the hospital. What does being a stay at home wife and mom need to look like? How does my life need to change and what do I need to grow in? This post is definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I did want to share what God has impressed upon my heart so far.

First of all, Paul is only going to be little for so long. This means, that while there are so many other things I am constantly striving to get accomplished nothing is so important that I can't set it aside to spend time with my baby. While changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and dressing a baby can get to be routine, I have really been reminded that I need to stop and make sure to treasure these moments. Some of my favorite memories with Paul so far have happened in those little ordinary moments during things that happen every day. This morning I went in to get Paul out of his crib after hearing him fussing, and as soon as he saw my face his lit up with a huge smile. Another time was earlier this week. I was changing his diaper and talking to him and he started giggling for the first time. It was so precious! He's growing and changing so fast and I don't want to miss it because I was too busy with whatever I thought was so important at the time or too preoccupied thinking about other things to notice.

Minutes old Paul.

Paul just over a week ago.

Second, while I would like to spend every single moment of every day with Paul, there are things that need to get done, and it is okay to go do them when he's napping or happily playing nearby. Part of my job as a wife is to care for my husband and our home. That means laundry, meals, unpacking, and cleaning. It means making sure to spend some time just talking with my husband. It also means taking care of myself. Even if I don't accomplish quite as much as I wanted to, each day I need to make sure 3 things happen: quiet time, meals, and a little alone time(even when it's just a shower).

Third, mommy guilt is real and you have to deal with it or it will eat you alive. I initially felt guilty that Paul had to be born early, that I had an epidural, that while I had desperately wanted to breastfeed I wasn't able to convince my baby to latch on, that I couldn't keep up with pumping to keep my milk supply up, and so on and so forth. I finally came to two very important realizations: number 1, you can make all the plans you want ahead of time, but it will probably not turn out quite like you expect. I had to re-learn that all my plans needed to be surrendered to the Lord. I had to remember that I was most definitely not in control and I definitely did not need to feel guilty for those things which were out of my control. Number 2, every mom and baby are different and it's okay if the way you do things is a little bit different. Those things that I could control, but had done differently than originally planned weren't wrong. God created each and every one of us as an individual. That means while there will be those we know or talk to that do things very similar to the way we do things and those that do things very differently, no one is wrong as long as they are honoring God with their life and seeking to raise godly, cared-for children.

While my perspective has changed and in a way who I am has too, I serve a God who is unchanging. He's still who I need most and who I run too. He really spoke to my heart earlier this week through the Bethany Dillon song "Say Your Name". If you haven't heard it, go look up the lyrics or listen to it on youtube. She talks about her recent engagement having changed her perspective, and while the catalyst was different, the rest of the song resonated with me really deeply. I may be changing, but things aren't really that different. My Lord is the same.

Longing for...

As the new year starts, it brings with it change. It is amazing the emotion that one word can incite. For me it typically brings a flurry of excitement, fear, anticipation, expectation, and invariably a little stress. (Okay, so maybe it brings lots of stress.). As 2010 ended in a flurry and the first month of 2011 is nearly past, I began to feel a longing for something else. For a chance to slow down, to take better care of my husband and my home. For a chance to spend more time where my heart used to be: at the feet of Jesus first and in the arms of my husband second.

The more time I spend at work and at school the more I find that my heart is at home, where I want to be. I know so often as women saying that, "I'd rather be at home," is met with scoffing and insults from both our peers and our male counter parts. I know some even struggle with a husband who doesn't quite understand their desire to be at home, to be the one their children spend most of their waking hours with. This both breaks my heart and makes me want to give voice to the desires inside it more than ever. I want to be at home taking care of my husband and our home. I want a house full of children. I want to stay home with our children, maybe even home school them. I want to learn to be the very best, most godly wife and mother I can be.

To those who know me (or have been monitoring my Facebook and Twitter), you know I recently plunged forward, going back to school to finish my associates degree at Grace and working on college plans as a Pre-Med major for next year. You're probably asking, "How do your desires mesh with your goals for your future?" My answer right now is that I still don't know, but I know the One who does and I trust him.

My dear friend Jill who passed away last year introduced me to Psalm 37:4:

"Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart"(NASB).

At first glance we so often jump to the second half of the verse where God gives us what we desire. If we do this we completely miss out on the first half; the command: to delight ourselves in the Lord. To delight literally means to find pleasure, joy, rapture in what we are beholding. If we are delighting in the Lord would our desires not come to reflect His? And as our desires reflect His, would He not grant us what our heart desires in Him? As we continue to lay our desires before Him and allow Him to shape our hearts, what we wants will begin to reflect what He wants for us. And that is what I want, more than anything. I want my desires to reflect God's, I want my heart to reflect His, and I want to be able to share Him with others simply by sharing life with them.

So what I'm longing for most this year is what I have longed for for much of my life. This year promises a myriad of changes for our little family of two. Changes in where we work, go to school, where we live, and maybe even a baby :-). But regardless of where this next year takes us, as it comes to a close and 2012 starts I pray that I will have spent much of this year learning to delight myself in the Lord more fully than ever. Living each day ever more aware that I am living in the presence of a Holy God who holds the world in the palm of His hand, and who by his grace alone declares me righteous and allows me to approach Him.
Just as I Am, Without One Plea
By: Charlotte Elliott

Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidst me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.