When Grief and Grateful Coexist

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.  The weather is finally turning cold.  Christmas feels right around the corner. I’ve watched so many friends post each day about something they’re thankful for.  It is something I’ve even done in the past.  My daily Timehop has been filled with things I’ve posted I’m thankful for in years past.  This year is different.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still very grateful for many, many things.  When I see those posts made by others in my feed, I take time to think about something to be grateful for right then.  

I made the decision not to post things daily this year though. You see, I’m still hurting, still grieving the loss of precious Ruby, and sometimes the things I’m thankful for feel too heavy to share.  Sometimes they’re things I have mixed emotions about.  Sometimes the hurt and the gratefulness come together and reduce me once again to tears.  So much emotion lies just below the surface and bubbles up so quickly when I least expect it.  I’m learning how to let emotions exist together I never thought would keep each other company.  Learning that feeling one doesn’t take away from the other. 

Just a few of the things I’m grateful for this year in no particular order are:

I’m so grateful for the kindness of every single one of the medical professionals that were part of Ruby’s birth and the time we got to spend with her before saying goodbye for the last time.

I’m so grateful for the hundreds of pictures the nurses took for us, for the nurse who grabbed my phone and said, “You need pictures of her on here too.”

I’m so grateful for a husband who is very understanding, and who takes time to comfort me when I know he is hurting too.

I’m so grateful for our living kids.  I feel both the blessing and responsibility of parenting them in a new way since losing their sister.

I’m grateful for the love of family and friends; especially so for all the care, extra prayers, and encouragement in this very difficult season.

I’m grateful that we have all of our needs met. That there’s a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, and food in our stomachs.

Most of all I’m thankful for the grace, love, and comfort of a God who promises to be close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18).

If I don’t seem myself this holiday season, it’s because I’m not.  I’m this unfamiliar new version of myself I’m still trying to figure out.  Be gentle with me.  If you are, I’ll be grateful for that too.

Having Trouble With No

It was a pretty standard mid-week outing with the kids. The day had seemed extra long, the kids all seemed to have a bad case of cabin fever, and by dinner time my motivation to cook anything was waning so off to Burger King we went.

The kids were over the moon about their kid’s meal toys and cardboard crowns and laughing and generally having  a good time while we talked and ate. I had to remind them to settle down and eat a few times, but over all it was a good break for all of us. In the midst of this merriment I looked over at Bella and she was crying. Immediately I asked her what was wrong. Her answer, “I’m just having trouble with no right now.”  Sure I’d misunderstood, I asked again. She answered, “I’m having trouble with the word no.”

The funny thing is, I didn't remember telling her no about anything right then.  We had a brief conversation about it being ok about being disappointed when the answer is no instead of yes and how grown ups feel that way sometimes too. Then, as so often happens, she jumped to the next thing like the moment was forgotten.

But I didn’t forget. That was almost 2 weeks ago and that little conversation has turned over and over in my mind. It has been something I’ve talked to God about in my prayers and talked about with my husband a few times. We’ve had some pretty big no’s in our marriage. Eight years in and our lives look radically different than we thought they would.  We live somewhere we never expected to, my husband works in a field he never expected to after many no’s in the one he went to school for, and I’m back in school because we’re finding we are going to need me to work soon when I was always sure the kids would have to be much older before I even attempted such a thing.  

But one of the hardest no’s happened 2 months ago.  I went to the doctor and found out our daughter Ruby had no heartbeat. We had one precious day of getting to hold our perfect, beautiful stillborn daughter in our arms, but we had to leave the hospital with no baby, no Ruby.  

So I guess you could say I’m having trouble with no too. 

This grief journey is a hard one, and I don’t think I’d believe it was survivable without all the people who have been willing to say, “Hey, I’ve been through a similar loss.” It’s a bittersweet thing to be encouraged by what you know was/is such a horrible no in someone else’s life, but I am thankful for each person who has reached out to us in this way. I’m so thankful for all the people who’ve reached out and said, “I’m here if you need to talk” or “I’m praying.” 

This season has become all about being ok with not being ok, but hanging onto hope because of the yeses we have in Christ and I think it will continue to be.  It’s about learning to trust God even with the no’s that have already happened and the ones we’re afraid of in the future.

4 Ways College is Different this Time

At the end of March I started back to school to begin work toward a degree in nursing. As I take my first midterm of the quarter this week, I’ve been thinking about how much different school is this time around.

1.  I’m working to balance different things.

When I first started college a decade ago(wow, I’m getting old), I was focused on balancing school, work, and my social life. That social life has since turned into a husband and 3 kids with church and family commitments. This time instead of balancing school with 20-30 hours a week as a pharmacy tech, I’m balancing it with dr.’s appointments, groceries, housework, and time with my family(to those of you who do all that, go to school, AND hold down a job: you’re a rockstar!) 

2.  I am much more aware of how valuable my time is.

All the time I’m spending on school between class time and homework is an investment. If I want to get a good return I need to make doing well a major priority. It’s the whole “you get out of it what you put in” adage.  

3.  I’m working ahead whenever I can.

When I was in college the first time, I was a major procrastinator. All nighters were a major part of my m.o.  This time I find myself trying to work ahead when I can. That way if I fall a bit behind my schedule, I’m still on time.  I have also quit trying to cram for tests. Starting to study a several days before the test is proving to help me retain the material so much better.  I’m sorry to every single one of my professors who kindly suggested these better study skills that I failed to carry out the first time around.

4.  I’m sure about what I want to do.

When I was in college the first time I had 3 different majors and thought about 6 different ones.  This time I have clear, specific goals I’m working toward that I’m excited about rather than scared of.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my first college experience. I loved being a part of Grace University and am a proud alumna. I made great friends.  I met my husband there. The biggest difference is this time I have a confidence and excitement I didn’t carry before. It just took me most of my twenties to figure out what I really wanted to be when I grew up.

Well, that's it for me. Would love to hear your experiences too. How is school different going back?

Mommy, I don't need you.

“Mommy, I don’t need you.”

Those were the words out of my 3 year old son’s mouth as he was being willfully disobedient.  I knew it wasn’t true. Honestly, it took me so completely by surprise that I was speechless.  I had spent the morning fixing his breakfast, getting him dressed, taking him potty, cleaning up his accidents, and folding his underwear. He needs me, even if he doesn’t think so. By God’s grace I was able to stay calm and respond gently.  It was a teachable moment, so we talked about how that isn’t really true.  How he really does need me to care for him and help him. 

What my son was really saying was “I’m going to do what I want and I don’t need you to stop me or tell me no.” I haven’t been able to get the whole situation out of my head though.  Not so much in my relationship with my son, but as it applies to my relationship with God.

How often have I said “I don’t need you” when what I really mean is “I’ll do what I want and I don’t need you to stop me?”  Because really, I know I need God. I’ve tried and tried to do it myself, and I've fallen on my face.  But when God is asking for obedience I don’t want to give, when there’s sin I want to cherish for just a little longer, that’s the excuse I give. I say, “God I don’t need you.”  I decide that I can manage that area myself and it’s none of his business.

Just like I had to correct my son because I love him, the Lord corrects me.

Hebrews 12:6-11(ESV) says:

“ “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

I especially love that last sentence.  The peaceful fruit of righteousness is something that I want, something that I am thankful God has worked in my life, but it has often been painful. That pain is something I sometimes convince myself I’ll avoid by doing my own thing, but it ends up being more painful in the end as I suffer the consequences and the discipline.  The best part though, is that through discipline there is restoration.  The kindness of his discipline leads me to repentance.

For His Glory,

Courtney

9 Signs You're Living with a Newborn

So I wrote this when Seamus was about 3 weeks old and thought I had posted. Nope!  Better late than never I guess. Enjoy:


Life has been extra hectic and exciting since Seamus's arrival between our initial hospital stay and his 2 readmissions for high bilirubin levels and weight loss. I definitely haven't had a lot of time to have successive coherent thoughts, but little snippets keep popping in my head. Eventually I'll post a birth story, but for know I thought I'd share some of the signs around our house that a newborn is present.

1. You can put together breast pump parts with the same speed and accuracy as a soldier reassembling his weapon after cleaning.

2. You have decided that whoever coined the phrase "don't cry over spilled milk" must never have spilled or nearly spilled the breast milk they had to work hard to pump.

3. You have had a conversation/argument with your spouse about who is more tired.

4. You consume caffeine so that you will wake up faster when the baby cries.

5. You cannot take enough pictures of the new baby! 

6. Discussing the baby's poop is totally normal conversation to have with your spouse.

7. Taking a shower feels like taking a vacation.

8. 4 hours of sleep is a "long stretch"

9. You sit down to write a blog post when the newborn is less than a month old and actually post it 9 and 1/2 months later.

What have some marks that having newborn left on your home?

Bella's Birth Story

I can hardly believe my sweet baby is almost 6 months old! She is so dear and precious to us. God has truly blessed us.  I meant to post this while it was still a little fresher in my mind, but you'll have to forgive this momma of 2 kiddos 2 and under for the delay.  While life around here is starting to settle into a comfortable routine, some days are still simply contained chaos. Especially since I started babysitting a 4 year old little girl about a month ago as well.  Well here you go:

If you go back and look at my pregnancy timeline and Paul's birth story you'll see both my pregnancy with him and his arrival were pretty eventful.  From the moment I discovered I was pregnant again there were those nervous thoughts in the back of my head that this pregnancy would be the same.  I can remember several times, having Dan pray with me to place my cares in God's hands and for peace.  While I had some intense food aversions(especially to the smell of raw meat) and crazy heartburn this pregnancy was comparatively  uneventful.

As I reached the last trimester of my pregnancy I reached this odd mixture of crazy energetic nesting and total exhaustion.  I don't know how many times I fell asleep laying Paul down for bed or his nap.  By the end of May I was beginning to feel like I might be pregnant forever.  I also knew I had a few things to do before our baby girl arrived so I made a list and gradually checked items off.  By the second week of June I had about 90% of my list done and was so ready to meet our girl! I wanted to see my baby face to face!

On Saturday June 15, I remember a conversation with my husband about how ready I was to meet our daughter.  I was ready, but was feeling pretty sure I would probably go to or past the due date of the 27th.  That night we went to bed planning to get up for church in the morning.  Little did I know I would be up before the alarm.

At 5 am on June 16, I woke up for what had become my routine predawn trip to the bathroom.  When I sat down on the toilet I felt a surprisingly strong tightness and pelvic pressure. I'm a little embarrassed to say at first, I thought maybe this was just the end of my luck and I was finally experiencing pregnancy constipation.  The feeling let up though and I walked into the kitchen to get a drink.  While in the kitchen I had the same feeling I'd felt in the bathroom a couple of more times.  I was sure that there was no way I was in labor, but decided to start timing what I was beginning to think were contractions.  After timing the gap between the next 2 or 3 I was still in total disbelief.  My contractions were 2 minutes apart!  After 20 minutes of walking laps around our kitchen and living room while timing contractions, I finally rousted my husband and had him come time a couple just to make sure I wasn't losing it.  I wasn't! This was happening!

At around 5:30 I went ahead and texted my mom and sister to let them know it was time so my mom could come with us to the hospital and my sister could stay with Paul.  They arrived at our place around  6:00 and we headed for the hospital. In the 10 minute drive there, I had 3 more contractions.

The E.R. nurse that admitted me said they'd just admit me for a non-stress test to see if I was really in labor and go from there. (insert eye roll here)  They took me to a room and another nurse told me to change into a gown and she would check me.  When she checked me I saw her eyes go wide.  She told me I was dilated to 9cm with a bulging bag of waters.

The midwife I had been seeing was out of town for her daughter's softball tournament so they called the Dr. on-call.  I weathered some intense contractions waiting for her to get there.  Once she got there and broke my water, I remember pushing through 2 or 3 contractions and meeting our girl!  One minute shy of an hour after being checked into the hospital and just under 2 and 1/2 hours after waking up in labor she arrived at 7:29 a.m.

Meeting for the first time.

Bella Bonita
6 lbs
18 and 1/2 inches
7:29 a.m.

It was a crazy morning and definitely a Father's day Dan and I will never forget!

Happy Father's day Daddy!

Brother and Sister

Kisses from Big Brother :-)

Such a precious blessing!

A few extra notes:

We got to skip NICU this time, but stayed a couple extra days because she lost to high a percentage of her body weight and was a slow learner when it came to nursing.  You'd never know now though :-) I'm happy to report we are now in our sixth month of breastfeeding!  This is an accomplishment I am super excited about after wanting so badly to breastfeed Paul and then having to switch him to formula.

I noticed, after having a 12-hour Pitocin induced labor last time and a 2 hour natural labor this time, natural contractions were less intense than the Pitocin induced ones.  The contractions I was having when we arrived at the hospital and I was dilated to 9cm felt similar to the ones I had been having at 4-5cm when I was induced.

If time flew by with Paul, it is going lightening fast this time.  Not sure if it is because I'm chasing a toddler too, but it seems crazy that this sweetie is nearly 6 months old already!  I love being Mommy to these two beautiful blessings from the Lord!

Not to be served, but to serve

Reading this article by Rachel Jankovic was the nudge I needed to go ahead and write this post.  Go ahead and pop on over and read it. This post will still be here when you get back.

My prayer, as my second child's due date swiftly approaches, has been that the Lord would continue to make me the mother He wants me to be and that He would show me what loving my husband and children looks like.

As I've been reading through the New Testament in my daily reading I've really been struck by the following verse from Mark 10:

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."-Mark 10:45 ESV

 Now in the passage this is tucked into, Jesus is addressing his disciples to remind them what life between them needs to look like.  That life as his followers is not about position, status.  It is about serving.  Serving and sacrifice.  Two things that characterize how our savior showed his love for us.

My biggest opportunity to serve is at home.  It is in how I care for my child (soon to be children :-) ) and my husband, how I manage my home, and the attitude I go about that with.  I'm serving by doing the laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning toilets, and making the grocery list.  I'm serving by picking up toys for what feels like the millionth time, cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night, and by snuggling my sick child.  And all the while, in this serving, I'm learning more and more to make sacrifices.  I'm learning to set aside myself and look for the needs of others.  I'm learning to care for myself better so I can serve the Lord and my family better.  I'm being stretched to set aside some of the material things I once considered so important.

As I serve, there is sacrifice.  I am sacrificing what I want, what would be easiest.  In Romans 12:1 it talks about our need to be a living sacrifice.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."-Romans 12:1 ESV

Living sacrificially encompasses what each day should be.  All I do should be something that worships who my creator is.  Setting aside myself, my agenda and choosing to serve my family because I desire to serve the Lord.

Our culture tells us that our priority is ourselves, to do what makes us happy.  It tells us we need things and position.  That's not what life in Christ is about.  We're not to be conformed to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed.  Praise the Lord for His mercy as He continues to transform me!

"Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."-Romans 12:2 ESV

For His Glory,

Courtney